Tuesday, 23 May 2006

Hard Rock Hallelujah - the song that changed the world

The lyrics for the winning song.

What can I say? They speak for themselves. What the hell has that band done to me? I feel as if they have mashed my brains, sprinkled in a lttle obsession and added a little compulsiveness just to be on the safe side.

I now have a major compulsion to buy their albums.

I just can't get that bloody song out of my head. Nor the phrase 'We're all on the Lordi Express!'. Thanks Paul, you bastard.

Oh what the hell!!!! We're all on the Lordi Express! Comin' through to Winsville. Woo Woo.

Lordi is a Finnish band and, due to living in a cave in the middle of the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, don't have a TV or radio, refuse to read newspapers on account of them being to wet to read due to you living in the middle of the ocean, you have not heard them or heard of them, then might I suggest you head on over to www.lordi.org

Hard Rock Hallelujah

Hard Rock Hallelujah

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

The saints are crippled
On this sinners' night
Lost are the lambs with no guiding light

The walls come down like thunder
The rocks about to roll
It's the Arockalypse
Now bare your soul

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

The true believers
Thou shall be saved
Brothers and sisters keep strong in the faith
On the day of Rockoning
It's who dares, wins
You will see the jokers soon'll be the new kings

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Wings on my back
I got horns on my head
My fangs are sharp
And my eyes are red
Not quite an angel
Or the one that fell
Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn hard rock hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Hard Rock Hallelujah!

Monday, 22 May 2006

They came. They rocked. They conquered......Eurovision

We landed at our friend’s house on the big night. Had a nice Chinese takeaway had a chat and then settled down with some drinks. The telly was turned on, tuned in to BBC1 and enjoyed the show.

The hosts, Greece, put on an opening ceremony that was bizarre and full of sea and sun motifs. I had thought that they were putting on a show for the great Cthulhu as there were a number of people dressed as deep ones (well ok they were dressed as dolphins, but it was close). Lots of singing and dancing in a build up to the show.

Then the two hosts for the evening swooped down onto the stage on wires, very exciting and different. Things were looking up. Then they started speaking, which is always a bad sign as all Eruovision hosts seem to have a really bad transatlantic accent. They introduce last years hottie, I mean winner, Helena Paparizou, gives a rendition of ‘My Number One’ to the home crowd. Very happy shiny people waving flags enthusiastically.

Then the first act. It is six4one from Switzerland. Twee and crap. We felt unmoved. OK it was OK but was far from our high expectations for the Eurovision Song Contest.

Next, Arsenium and Natalia from Moldova. He WAS an Arse and she was very pleasant on the old eyeballs. They sing a funky song, ‘Loca’. They just had to add a hip wit it, dreadlocked rapper doing stereotypical rappery things. Natalia is the star of the performance as she goes through a number of costume changes, with less and less clothing covering her every time she walked behind a sail placed on stage. You can guess we kept yelling at the tv ‘again, again.’ However, the last time she went behind the sail she came out dressed in a wedding dress. Very disappointing.

Israel’s Eddie Butler sang a gospel type song, ‘Together We Are One’. More like ‘Together we will bore the hell out of you’. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Next was the most evil song ever. Is was a capella song by Cosmos from Latvia. They also looked like thay had Michael Jackson with them doing his usual moonwalking shit. They also had what can be loosely described as a ‘dancing robot’. Major tacky rubbish. We had to take off and nuke them from orbit, it was the only way to be sure.

Norway had Christine Guldbrandsen singing about pixies and fairies and woodland things. Nearly made me puke. Bring in the chainsaws please. Yes, it was a traditional song, which was good performance wise, but on looking at the lyrics I suddenly had this urge to go and chop some trees down, find a pixie and burn its wings off.

Then to Spain and Las Ketchup with their song ‘Bloody Mary’. They were dressed all in red they start their performance slumped on office chairs as two dancers frolic around them. Looked like they were looking to do some ‘business’, if you know what I mean. I rremarked they looked like the Spanish version of the spice girls. I was overruled by one friend who stated ‘No, they are not the spice girls, they are .. … … the Salsa Girls.’ Sure enough there was spicey salsa, hot salsa, chilli salsa and extra chunky salsa. You can make up your own minds which is which.

Malta’s Fabrizio Faniello sang ‘I Do’. Malta has never won the contest, and the reason is clear. SHITE. It was allegedly a dance track with four energetic dancers struting their stuff behind him to try and disguise the fact the song is drivel and he is not a she with few clothes on. Oh, oh, oh what an image. My head is ready to explode. Sparks shot into the air on the key change, which made me happy ‘cause I knew the song was nearly over. Nil point.

Germany’s Texas Lightning, fronted by an Australian singer, provide us eurovisionphiles with an American-influenced country song. Bizarre. Catchy. Luminous cacti. Pink cowboy boots. Grand ol Opry tweeness. Wonderful. Brilliant. We loved it. Well done, Germany.

Denmark went for an American theme with Sidsel’s song ‘Twist of Love’ and giving an image of ‘Happy Days’. Lots of energy, interesting dance moves, not bad. She really looked like the twin sister of Amanda Holden.

Then what must be the gay icon of Russia, it was Dima who sang a crap ballet ballad and had as his diversion a half lady-half piano thing on stage with ballet dancers in the background looking too much like a last minute edition. No naked ladies. It was shite. I wanted to pull out my eyeballs and stuff them in my ears.

Then the song ‘Ninanajna’ by Elena Risteska from FYR Macedonia. It’s a decent enough tune. We all agreed, she was the eastern version of Beyonce with lots of hip gyrataion and bum wiggling. Every prepubescent boys dream. And before you ask I am not prepubescent, but I can dream. Good performance.

Mihai Trăistariu from Romania sings ‘Tornero’. He has a high voice, must be those tight undergarments. Lots of energy. It was OK. Girls were nice-ish. A contender.
‘Layla’ by Hari Mata Hari of Bosnia & Herzegovina was next. It was ok. No real thoughts either way on this one. Good for background music as it is one of those songs that just builds and builds.

Lithuanian band LT United sang ‘We Are The Winners’ with an aggressive, tub-thumping energy that really got us going. Absolute genius. Loved every minute and called for more after they had finished. Which was silly as we were watching TV, so who the hell was going to hear us???? Excellent stuff though.

Then Daz Sampson from the United Kingdom who looks like a thin, energetic Gaza. The song ‘Teenage Life’ had girls in school uniform in it, which is always a good start, but they ended up more like Nora Batty than Britney Speers. ‘No sex please, we’re british’ rang through my head. It is an annoyingly catchy tune, just as the chicken song from Spitting Image was. My warped personality liked it, but only just.

Then it was the turn of Anna Vissi of Greece. Making full use of both a smoke machine and a wind machine, Anna puts her heart and soul into the performance of ‘Everything’, a classic Eurovision ballad full of drama and melodrama. Towards the end, she falls to her knees and sings at the top of her lungs. The audience goes absolutely crazy.

Then, with our anticipation rising like a slow bat out of hell it was the turn of Lordi from Finland. Mr Lordi, we want to get on board your Lordi Express and drive that engine along the tracks of complete success. Mr Lordi was dressed to the hilt with skulls on his kneecaps whose eyes light up red, his microphone is attached to the handle of a battleaxe and he has devil horns protruding from his head. Then there is Amen, the unstoppable mummified assassin guitar wielder of the group. Hope he didn’t give the other contestants tomb rot. Kita is the extra dimensional alien drummer who has the energy and lovability of Animal from the mumpets. Keep banging those drums. Awa is the cute(?) possessed witch, she devil on the keyboards. She actually looks a bit like a deformed Klingon, but what’s that amongst friends, eh? Last but by no means least there is OX ‘the Bulltaurus’ who is the bassist. When I roleplay, especially Werewolf the Apocolypse I have a character called Ox. So I feel a slight, non- stalker affinity with Lordi’s bassist. The athen’s crowd loved them, as did we. You might be able to tell from this post and previous posts, we wanted Lordi to win. Lots of explosions and Mr Lordi growing a pair of wings set the whole thing off nicely. What a performance. Encore. 10/10

Tina Karol from Ukraine was next, which may have been unfair as we were still on a high from the performance of Lordi. Her song ‘Show Me Your Love’ is a nice catchy dance tune. Pretty girl.
Then came the depressing shite from France’s Virginie Pouchain singing a ballad that was bollocks. Yah, boo, sucked. ZZZzzzzzzzzz. Plus she sang in French. The only contestant to do so. All the others either sang in their mother tongue, or, mostly, sang in English.

Croatia was next with Severnia performing ‘Moja štikla’ – Severnia wore a red dress, flamenco style until she obligingly tore it off. MMMmmmmm, nice. She did have a disturbingly wide smile which brought me back to images of ‘V’. Apart from that, a decent show.

Then it was the turn of Ireland’s Brian Kennedy, who sang ‘Every Song Is A Cry For Love’. More like ‘every song he sings which is his own brings in more mullah for him’. It was utterly pretentious shite and Ireland has made it very obvious it does not want to win the Eurovision song contest for a few more years.

Carola from Sweden is a bit of an oldie, but still looks a stunner. Her song ‘Invincible’ was decent even though she looked like she was wrapped in kitchen tinfoil that was then painted gold.

Sibel Tüzün from Turkey then sang ‘Superstar’. She scared me by looking like a Pink/Madonna crossed with a tattooed boxer. The music was ok I think ‘cause all I could think of was her being scary.

Finally came a bondage inspired song by Andre of Armenia. It was a bizarre mix of dancing around a box/table and being tied up in knots. It was Ok but not terribly impressed by it all.

Then came the voting after another rendition of a song by last year’s winner and the two hosts telling everybody over and over how ‘amazing’ everybody is. They looked like bunny rabbits caught in the headlights of an oncoming juggernaught. If only.

The voting took place in due course over 10 minutes. I made a few calls for Finnland and Lithuania.

At the end of the 10 minutes the usual tour round the countries started. We were shocked at first at how well Lordi were doing. Then it became clear that we were all on the Lordi Express to Winsville.

Lordi came out top with 292 points, 44 points ahead of their nearest rival, Russia.

Lordi came. Lordi rocked. Lordi conquered.

Friday, 19 May 2006

Eurovision Rocks out this Year

Every year now we have a Eurovision party to enjoy laughing hysterically at people trying to sing in a european competition to see who has the best song.

The best bits are usually the freaky singers and songs and Terry Wogans commentary, which is legendary in the UK. One year Xena warrior princess won the comp!! This year looks even better.

If you can you have to vote for the entry from Finland. Lordi are a heavy metal band from Finland and they have to win. It is the only way.

Vote for Lordi. You can listen to their entry below.

Tuesday, 16 May 2006

My Wanderings in Mordheim

My Warband of DwarvesWell, I put my warband together, went to TTN and had a fight. And lost. Again.

I have just started to play Mordheim with the Warhammer Guys at TTN and I decided to play dwarves.

Mordheim is a cross between the fantasy world of Warhammer and the skirmish style game of Necromunda. If you have absolutely no idea what I am yammering on about try the links and have a look see.

Essentially, you control a warband looking for a substance called wyrdstone in the ruined city of Mordheim. You fight other warbands for control of these lumps of wyrdstone which can be traded to give your warband gold with which to improve its lot. All the while your heroes and henchment can earn experience to buy skills or try to obtain characteristic advances.

Yes I am a grown up. Yes I like playing with toy soldiers. It beats watching ‘Loose Women' or ‘Emmerdale’ on TV.

Anyway, I nipped into Games Moneyshop and bought a few miniatures that looked like good characters and brought them home to paint.

Ce Voila

My Warband of Dwarves

I am pretty proud of the paint jobs, though a couple of the minis still need to be finished off. But I was happy.

This Monday night was the second night of Mordheim, the previous Monday I had played with my dwarves and I lost. Twice.

Though to be fair I only had 4 in my warband and I had been stupid in the initial outlay. In Mordheim you get 500 gold pieces with which to buy your warband and equipment. I went the munchkin route and tooled my group out with lots of cool stuff, that cost a fortune and hence I could not afford too many in my warband. It was pointed out to me but I stubbornly decided that I would plough on regardless of the consequences – its what a dwarf would do, isn’t it??

Ahhhhh, the naivety of innocence. All the other warbands had about 7 to 10 figures and at least half had bows. Dwarves can only move 3 inches, mostly everyone else moves 4 inches. My dwarves had pistols that shoot 9 inches (my engineer helps them shoot this far as pistols can only normally fire 6 inches) while bows can fire 24 inches plus. Can you see a pattern developing?? Yup, my warband get to become full blown pin cushions by the third round.

So last week I got trounced, first by the ratmen, the skaven (nose twitching little bastards) and the second time by the orcs (green skinned smelly bastards). Mind you a number of us were learning the rules and I think some things were stacked against my troupe due to inappropriate forgetting of advantageous rules. Bugger.

This week I fought the undead, and the undead won. Arse. Feck. Drink. Feck. I had bought another figure so I now had 2 troll slayers. My warband is up to five.

Unfortunately in the previous week my first troll slayer got really smacked hard and ended up in with a pit fighter who took one look at him, laughed and gave him a Glaswegian kiss that hurt so bad the troll slayer had his movement reduced to 2 inches. My leader also got seriously smacked but just ended up with frenzy.

The latest foray was after I watched a good old grudge match between the undead and the orcs.

My Warband of DwarvesMy Warband of DwarvesMy Warband of DwarvesThe game seemed to be fairly even for a while but eventually the vampire and her groupies not only wiped the orcs off the board, but killed the orc leader. Not finished there, the undead decided to really rub salt into the wounds but raising the orc leader as one of their own.

I ended up fighting a different group of undead. Their vampire leader had the skill Sprint so he could run triple distance, a whole 12 inches. By the third round I had just moved close to a wyrdstone token when the vampire strolled up to say hello, leaving his zombies still at the edge of the table. Grrrrrrrr, went my dwarf leader as he went into frenzy and stupidly charged the vampire who had frenzy as well. Only his attacks were sitting at 4. Frenzy doubles your attack characteristic, So while my mighty dwarf had the massive number of 1 attack doubled to a whopping 2 plus 2 hand to hand weapons gave him a grand total of 3 attacks (not Bad at all) the vamp had a grand total of 9. Arse.

I almost got the bastard. Almost. But I didn’t and he put two of my dwarves out of action in as many seconds. Meanwhile, his zombies were still shuffling up the board.

I caved in and ran like the spineless chicken shit I was.

With his warband rating of massive and mine of piss ant size I got mucho extra experience plus I found some slaves wandering around Mordheim (silly billies) and one decided to join my warband. So now I have another to swell the ranks pushing my numbers now to the staggering heights of 6.

Next week, I will mostly be playing Blood Bowl. And I will put up a report next week on the exploits of the ‘Wasteland Greenskins’. Huzzah!!

Wednesday, 10 May 2006

BOOK REVIEW: Never come between a Dwarf and Revenge

Grudge BearerHaving been drawn back to the Games Moneyshop for no real apparent reason ….. OK, OK I wanted to get a couple of Dwarf miniatures to use for a Mordheim game and I was curious to find something to read as well.

I found
Grudgebearer, a book about the dwarves of Warhammer setting. I purchased the book and minis and promptly started the reading frenzy.

Grudgebearer is written by Gav Thorpe, who will be a well known name in Games Workshop circles as the chief game developer of the Warhammer design team. He has also written a batch of stories for the bimonthly anthology Inferno! (which may or may not be dead now), a number of other novels and he also worked on the Inquisitor game.

The blurb on the back of the book goes as follows,

Dwarf King Throndin Stoneheart of Zhufbar is dead; betrayed upon the field of
battle. as his son barundin takes up the mantle of King, he must fulfil a mighty
oath of vengeance. In an epic tale that spans centuries, Grudge Bearer follows
Barundin as he battles his way through enemies on a desperate quest to avenge
the wrongs against his father and save his people from a terrible war against
the dark forces of Chaos

Interesting, I thought.

Basically Barundin fights beside his dad, dad is killed when allies run like the clappers from a battle with orcs, White Dwarf appears then disappears a couple of times, Barundin declares a grudge against said allies, becomes king of Zhufbar, has a fight against skaven lasting 17 years or so, tracks down a rogue dwarf engineer for the Zhufbar Guilds as said engineer blew up the dwarf holds brewery (sacrilege), engineer comes back and makes amends, dwarves attack goblins and have a big fight to reclaim an overrun dwarf hold, Barundin gets a sharp axe to kill things with as a present from his dead dad (only took 170 years to make!), wants to get married, finds a female to marry, goes on stag do and brings back a dwarf version of a traffic cone, has nasty hang over, gets told to cancel wedding, goes to try and sort out problem so he can get married and ‘get some loving’, has a big fight with chaos marauders and evil dwarves, wins and gets told by the Slayer King to piss off home and have a good shag.

I have to say overall, I enjoyed the novel as it was easy to read and small. A good holiday read, you might say. Gav isn’t a bad writer, and he does go into a bit of nice description. I think the subject matter was difficult and Gav didn’t quite hit the mark with this novel.

The characters float between one dimensional and two dimensional. It is excellent background material for the dwarves of Warhammer and feels a little like Gav was asked to write a wee bit of a background story for the Dwarf Army source book and he got carried away.

The whole episode takes place over a period of about 70 years and I can understand why he did not want to write about every little bit of life but it did feel like something was missing.

Tharundin feels like a Conan with a height inferiority complex as between fighting, threatening to fight, killing, threatening to kill, drinking, killing, drinking, and fighting he seems to constantly brood.

There are a few parodies thrown in, though no where near the number in Blood Bowl, that did fit – though I really think they are taking the piss when a mountain with a bad reputation for being the home of goblins and orcs is called Mount Gunbad is a tad close to Tolkien’s Mount Gundabad which is a mountain with a bad reputation for being the home of goblins and orcs. But then Warhammer always did have a certain ‘tongue in cheek’ mischievousness.

Again bad editing, as with Blood Bowl, let the book down a bit.

Gav, nice book, really enjoyed the background, just didn’t grip me as a story.

I would give this book a 5 out of 10. It wasn’t bad, I did read it all, it just didn’t really stand out and there was not a lot of character development.

Oh, yes, the proof readers in the
Black Library need glasses.

Friday, 5 May 2006

Your comments please

I have been trying to make the blog more user friendly and i need feedback.

If you have any comments on the layout, functionality, look, and/or content please leave a comment. Its dead easy to do and you don't have to register with blogger.

I also promise to have more game related material up soon. Mostly i have just been raving about everyday crap.


Thursday, 4 May 2006

Table Top North Pub Quiz

Table Top North is holding a pub quiz tomorrow night, Friady 5th May 2006 at 8pm in the Boat Club, Belfast. The Boat club is smokefree and has a bar. What more could you need for a pub quiz where you can still breathe at the end of the night.

The event is NOT restricted to TTN members, and feel free to bring friends and family who have no interest in gaming. TTN has promised that there will be no geeky games questions!

There are no official team size restrictions (but fellow contestants may object to a team of 20). Entry is £1.50 for TTN members, £2.00 for everyone else.

Doors open at 7.00pm and the quiz will get under way at 8.00pm.

Wednesday, 3 May 2006

Some new changes to the blog

I am continually rejigging this blog with little widgets and this is just the latest with the blog cutting long posts down and adding an expandable post function.

If you want to find out more go to blogger for dummies

Tuesday, 2 May 2006

Chris Moyles - Listen you will, very funny he is

I was listening to Chris Moyles this morning on Radio one.

If you can tune into Radio 0ne on 97-99FM, or on your digital or on the web then, listen to the Chris Moyles Show. It should be made compulsory by the Government. It would be the one good piece of legislation Blair would ever come up with.

Chris and his crew (Comedy Dave, Rachel, Dom and Aled) just make me want to wet my pants. Which is not good when you are in your wife’s new car driving on the M2 into Belfast. Indeed I have to thank Wifey for turning me away from my news junkyism of listening to BBC Radio Ulster and onto Chris. I now feel much cheerier walking in through the front door of my work.

Well, today Chris phoned his friend, Longman, of Longman Sandwiches. I would probably drop in to have a sandwich but Longman’s shop is in Rothwell, Leeds and I live in Ballyclare, so unfortunately I can not plug how delicious his sandwiches are. Pooper.

Anyway, go to Longman’s site and check out his ‘Great Wall of Barry’ and vote for your favourite. I voted for Barry Scott of Cillit Bang fame.